What the Tweet?!

Earlier this year I started a Twitter account. For the life of me I can't remember why now. I don't update very often and when I do, I feel that they are the least interesting posts one could read. I have talked about the weather or going out on Lake Washington for SeaFair (Seattle's summer celebration). I even rarely log on to see what the 8 people I follow are saying. So why pray tell do I have 15 followers with the majority being random people that I have never heard of? Do people really sit around hitting the follow button on anyone they can find? If that is the case, it's pretty lame.
Don't get me wrong, I think it is cool to have as many followers as I can have, but I would prefer them to be people genuinely interested in me and my life. And, I would completely understand if I regularly updated with interesting, insightful or exciting posts, but that is just not me. I save all my interesting, personal stuff for my blog and the message boards. I have family on Twitter for goodness sake.
Now there is so much pressure to be witty, interesting, and/or entertaining in 140 characters or less for complete strangers.

What the Tweet?!

Earlier this year I started a Twitter account. For the life of me I can't remember why now. I don't update very often and when I do, I feel that they are the least interesting posts one could read. I have talked about the weather or going out on Lake Washington for SeaFair (Seattle's summer celebration). I even rarely log on to see what the 8 people I follow are saying. So why pray tell do I have 15 followers with the majority being random people that I have never heard of? Do people really sit around hitting the follow button on anyone they can find? If that is the case, it's pretty lame.
Don't get me wrong, I think it is cool to have as many followers as I can have, but I would prefer them to be people genuinely interested in me and my life. And, I would completely understand if I regularly updated with interesting, insightful or exciting posts, but that is just not me. I save all my interesting, personal stuff for my blog and the message boards. I have family on Twitter for goodness sake.
Now there is so much pressure to be witty, interesting, and/or entertaining in 140 characters or less for complete strangers.

Slowly peaking out of the closet

Where I work, it isn't as simple as just going to your supervisor or handing in a leave slip to have time off. Each request nearly has to go through committee. I have to log on to our special site, send in the request for time off which gets sent to my immediate supervisor and if approved, over to the department head and if approved, over to payroll.
Knowing that I'm going to be having monthly appointments, or at least 1 more appointment scheduled on 11/30, all these requests are going to start looking weird. Although I'm trying to schedule my appointments for late in the day, I'll still have to take an hour off.
So, I started struggling with how to explain this to my supervisor to prepare her for all these requests. How much to tell her? Is there something else I can think of to explain all my Dr's appointments? If I do tell her what it is all about, can I be prepared for the "normal" person reaction that IF is no big deal and I'm blowing this "problem" all out of proportion. I thought about this for 2 days.
Today, I was in her office to talk to someone with her over the speakerphone so we had the door closed. After we were finished with the call and before I opened the door, I took a breath and just did it. I truly wasn't expecting the reaction I got.
I explained that I will be having more Dr. appointments and blood work.
"For babies?" she said.
"No" I said. "I haven't been diagnosed yet, but I'm fighting infertility"
There. I said it out loud. ringing in my ears, I think I'm going to faint.
"Oh, wow! What are they going to do for you?" She said with genuine concern and interest and admitted ignorance about this sort of thing.
"Well. I'm not ovulating. My body has shut down so I'm taking progesterone to restart my cycle and clean me out. Hopefully this jump starts my hormones. If not, I'll take some other medicine to make me ovulate."
"Gee, do you actually have a period if you don't ovulate?"
"Sometimes, that's part of the problem."
"Well, that is some really tough stuff. Not only physically, but emotionally. If I see you bawling your eyes out I'll know why and hand you a Kleenex. I'm so sorry you are going through this."
Me = floored
"It's kinda hard to come out of the closet because you never know how anyone will react." I confessed.
"Well, and I'm sure it is hard to talk about there being something wrong. Don't worry, I won't say anything, it's your story to tell."

All I could say is thank you and to let her know that I just needed to explain about the time off.

I feel very fortunate to have had this compassionate reaction from a "normal" person and to know there is some understanding in my corner.

I can only hope all my coming-out admissions go just as smoothly. I still haven't talked to my Mom. Not because I'm afraid of her reaction but because it means giving up yet another dream to surprise her with a pregnancy announcement.

I have a plan!

And it isn't all that surprising.
First, I have a perscription for Provera to take for 10 days and hopefuly restart my cycle. The theory is, I likely have not had a "real" period for a long while. Since I haven't had the normal hormones that come with a cycle, there might be a build up of lining. Also, the Dr is hoping to get me to a regular, predictabe cycle. So, I'm going to take the provera and use OPK's and if no BFP in 30 days then restart. I'll do this for 3 cycles then if no BFP or O I'll start on Clomid for 3 cycles. If no BFP with confirmed O then an HSG to see if there is a blockage or not.
I'm also going in for CD 21 bloodwork to confirm that I don't have a thyroid problem and we have a script for DH to have an SA to rule out any problems there.
Dr. J was great! She was impressed with the knowlege I had and that I made a summery with the length of each cycle and the O day on the cycles that I O'd which made it easier for her to see my history.
As usual, I worried for nothing. Send some good vibes that just the provera step will work out for us.

Today is....

Appointment day!
First the dentist then the OB.
I was such a goober that I got my appointment time wrong for the dentist and arrived an HOUR early. Dumb-dumb.
So, I got into the dentists chair, was preped, the whole bite block and rubber dam thing holding my mouth wide open and exposed to the world and my hygentist disappears. When she did reappear she says, "I'm so sorry, I'm pregnant and it is just the worst!". Really fate! Of course I'm rendered in capable of speaking so all I can think is "o yea, I'm on my way to my first infertility appointment. Thanks for the rub in the face."
So, here I sit in the Ob's office with half my face numb, charts in hand, scared half out of my witts that I won't be taken seriously. All I want is a plan of action to find what is wrong then a plan to fix it! Shouldn't be too much to ask. I'll update this evening when I'm home. TTFN.

Brawl

Mother Nature and I are about to go round.

My temps are hanging pretty low. I mean, 96.54 type low. And My face looks like a teenager's.

I don't mean "WOW I look young" I mean pizza face. And the pimples take forever to go away!

The thing is, when ever my temp plummets, I break out. I don't know why I have never made this correlation before. Duh! I've only been temping for 19 1/2 months!

Talk about kicking me when I'm down.

Mess with my hormones will you!!

Oh, it's on Mother Nature! It's on!

My Return

I can't believe it has been so long since I last posted! I've started many, but never had the chance to finish. It's hard when I don't have the ability to sneak a blog in to the middle of my workday. A bit about my summer:

I got the job that comes with health care other benefits and a raise. But no ability to sneak onto the Internet for personal reasons. One of the downfalls of working for a School District. I can read posts and emails from my Blackberry, but I have problems writing posts.

I got an office mate which kept a super messy desk, talked to herself, and pretty much yelled into the phone

I lost my office mate yesterday (we don't know why but she is no longer working there)

I stopped ovulating. I've had a total of 2 cycles from 7/7 to 10/2. Grrr.

My mother-in-law moved in and her sister also stayed with us for the last month

I made an appointment with the OB so I can get some answers and tests done. I'm coming up on 21 months of TTC. Unfortunately, I called the Dr.'s office on 8/20 and their earliest appointment was on 10/20. I got a call on 9/19 saying they needed to reschedule. All I could say is "I've already waited so long!" I now have an appointment for 10/26. Cross your fingers for some understanding and a Dr. who is willing to get to the bottom of this.

That's about it. Not much has been going on, I think that is why I haven't been posting. I feel so boring.

The past week

Sooo.... last Thursday, I got a call from a staffing agency who saw my resume online and has a client looking for someone with my type of specialized work experience and wanted me to come in to talk about it. Meanwhile, they sent me all the computer testing they wanted me to do and I spent the better part of the evening completing that. Friday, I met with the staffing agency, found out I did beautifully on the tests, filled out a books worth of paper work to be "hired" by the agency and we discussed me and the position she had in mind. Afterwards, Ms. Agency said she would contact her client with my resume and test results and see if they want to meet with me for an interview.
Just after I got home, I got a call from Ms. Agency who said the company (actually state government based) wanted to meet with me on Wednesday at 2:30. So excited. So, I did some research, found out more about this department the position and pay scale.
Yesterday (Wednesday) I went to the company/department, checked in with the receptionist. I was told someone will be right out and to take a seat. While sitting there guess what I'm privileged to hear. Yep you guessed it and I will replay this for you as a short play.

1st lady: (walks up to the receptionist counter and says something indistinguishable (or I just wasn't paying attention))

receptionist: "Oh, how wonderful. How far along are you?"

1st lady: "Oh I don't know, I just found out this morning."

receptionist: "You mean with one of the home tests? Those are pretty reliable."

1st lady: "Yes. I'm surprised, we weren't even trying, but I'm very excited."

I mentally throw my arms in the air, look at the sky and scream at fate "Really! Now! You couldn't have this sperm magnet walk on by with her happy news 5 minutes from now when I'm not sitting here!"

stage lights dim. curtain down.

True story.
Anyway......
Leaving sperm magnet behind, I went and spoke with the manager once she came and got me. She knew of the company I had been working for and was impressed I had been there for 7 years. She also was already talking like I worked there (good sign) and said she needed someone right away and wanted me to come in for 4 hours/day for a week or so and try it out as a temp. I started today.
All went very well. I got to use a real office with a door and a window and a new Mac with a gigantio screen and a big fatty desk (this would be my office if I get the job). I went to lunch with the manager, the director and a few other ladies and got to socialize. At the end of the 4 hours, the manager came in and closed the door (yea there is a door. I spent 7 years in an open cubicle) and wanted to make sure I am applying for the job and that I knew where to do that. I let her know that I already started the process last night. She was quite happy with that. It is quite a process to apply because this department is affiliated with school districts so there is a lot of paperwork, hoops to jump through and red tape. If this works out, I'll be making $8500 more a year (to start) than I was making at my last job.
Better get back to it. Yea! I work again tomorrow. Your good luck vibes and thoughts worked. Keep 'em coming until I'm officially hired.

Back in the US

We got back from Victoria Monday evening and I spent all day yesterday getting caught up, putting myself and my home back together and back in a routine. I wasn't able to update during the trip because my phone was on roaming so I just turned it off.
Here are some pictures...

My Color guard (some of the girls) lined up to get on the parade route. They were not doing the routine when I snapped this pic so their flags are not moving.


The Band....


A human statue of Annie Oakley and Drummer Boy.


Me messing with one of the flags when Drummer Boy called my name and snapped my pic while I turned toward him.


Parade of bands in front of the Parliament building.


Beautiful Victoria



We walked EVERYWHERE! My feet were so sore. But it is well worth it.
We won both parades. I don't know if there were different divisions, I can't find the results, but the band director received the results and I just heard that we won.


In other news...
I've found 4 places so far to apply to. I received one call back/telephone interview, but nothing further. I need to get a suit so I have something to wear to interviews (crossing fingers).

TTC wise, I decided to keep temping so I know what is going on, but I'm not taking my magic elixir of raspberry tea and vitex (gave me an early O and strong temp rise last month). I'm not going to prevent because obviously one or both of us has built in birth control, but I'm not going to do something extra to promote conceiving at this point now that I'm unemployed. I hope this doesn't last to long. I don't think I can handle the emotional strain. Strangely, if I were to conceive, I would qualify for state sponsored care. Kinda messed up don't you think?

I love this trip. I look forward to it every time we go ...every other year.
Right now I'm on bus 1 of 3 full of middle school kids on our way to the Port Townsend parade up on the Washington peninsula. After that we will go to Port Angeles, the very north part of the peninsula, and catch a ferry to Victoria, BC.
My first of these trips was 10 years ago, just after my husband and I got engaged (oh,he started his own blog so I can now call him by his given name....Drummer Boy). Only twice has it ever been cool or rainy weather. Every other time it is warm, stunningly beautiful and sunny. This time the forecast is for the same. I LOVE weather like this it makes me feel like there are no worries in the world, especially when I'm in Victoria. If you ever get the chance to go, I highly recommend it. Just bring your passport if you want to get back in the US. Border patrol always give us a bad time.
I'll try to update through the weekend or give one big update once we are back on Tuesday. I'll take pictures to share too.

Please forgive me if there are format issues, this is my first mobile post and I can't see as much as I'm used to. : )

Prayers requested!

I could use any prayers, good mojo, whatever anyone out there beleives in and can spare.

I just lost my job today.

I was the main bread winner.

I'm still greaving and heartbroken.

To top it all off......I'm in the (less than) one week wait.

I promise, I deliver

Here is the picture I was talking about.



My girl with some of the other Sea Gal hopefulls. If you are wondeing which one..... she's the most beautiful one. ; )

eliminated.

My sweet girl didn't make the cut last night. She is setting her sights on next year. I'm sorry for her but at the same time, I might feel better about her running around with a football team next year when she is 19 almost 20 vs. 18 almost 19. I don't know what those judges are thinking, I think she is the most beautiful and the most talented. I should have been on the panel! I'll post a picture soon. I won't feel bad about doing so because they are on the news channel's website anyway and I won't point her out.

My sweet girl

I'm so freaking excited and proud! My sweet girl, my 18-year-old step-daughter, is trying out for the Seattle Seahawks cheerleaders, the SeaGals. She made it through the first round where they narrowed down from 200 to 70 girls. The 2nd round is tonight then if she makes it through, there are interviews Tuesday and/or Wednesday then a routine to learn on Friday, practice Saturday then final auditions on Sunday. I'm so nervous for her! eek.

We also did her Senior pictures on Saturday. My brother lives in ID and drove over to be the photographer. He is trying to get his photography business up and running so now he can add her pictures to his portfolio and we get free Senior photos. I can't wait to see the final product!

Ponderous

Every time I go to Wally-World there seems to be an over abundance of babies and preggos.

I can't decide if I should hang out there more often in case it is something in the environment or to stay away because it messes with my emotional state.

Just an observation I thought of sharing.

Inconceivable!

I was always the healthy one, rarely sick, never had to go see a Dr. My brother and sister were in and out of the Dr.’s offices. Not me. It was always a joke – sort of – that I got all the immune system and there was little left for my younger siblings. I was so healthy growing up that when, at the age of 20, I kept feeling a horrible pain on my right side and I finally gave in, it was the pediatrician that I went to see because that was the last Dr. I had been to.

I of course was chastised for not yet having a pelvic exam by this age and told I should be seeing a family Dr. After my ovarian cyst was diagnosed and medically confirmed that it went away on its own, I didn’t see a Dr. again until I needed birth control 3 years later.

(P.S. because of my cyst/symptoms, I was able to diagnose a friend with a cyst the same month I got mine, but roughly 8 months later her sister had a cyst burst (while on the performance floor – during competition). They both now have 2 beautiful children.)

The only thing that kept me going to a Dr. once a year was to refill my prescription.

Last year, I gave up and went to the Dr. after horrible, sharp pains kept me up at night. A slew of tests later, I was sent to the ER to prep for an appendectomy. This was my first trip ever to the ER and my first surgery aside from having my wisdom teeth out.

Afterwards, the surgeon told my husband that my appendix was very large and it was amazing I didn’t have any other symptoms (the ER doc was even able to push on my side hours before the surgery and it didn’t hurt). My surgeon commented that I must have an amazing immune system to keep the infected organ at bay for so long. I also healed from surgery amazingly quickly, with only 1 day of pain killers.

What does this have to do with anything?

My body has always run perfectly - to the point of envy by others.

Then why has it decided to betray me in my hour of need?!?

Why can’t I be normal and just get pregnant like everyone else around me!?

According to my charts, I ovulated just fine for 6 cycles then boom – nothing for 5 months (3 LONG cycles). Last month it all seemed to kick into gear again. I ovulated on CD 19. Of course, mostly because the O was a big surprise, BFN followed by AF. So I put my thermometer away. 1 year of temping was enough for me, besides my body started working again right.
Then there is this month. All signs seemed a go. I had perfect timing, all signs possible pointed to one day……3 weeks ago.

I waited and tested on 11, 13 and 15 DPO. NOTHING! Not even a glimmer or imaginary line and no sign to this day of AF. So, on 16 DPO….

Oh, I’m sorry, excuse me there was no O. Correction…CDthirty-frigin-six.

So, I picked up the thermometer again and confirmed what I thought, I never O’d in the first place, again.

Today is CD 41.

The other twist of fate….because of my emergency appendectomy (really is there any other kind, doh)… I can’t afford to go see a Dr. I’m still paying off my surgery. This begs the question…….

What the hell am I thinking?!?!

If I can’t afford to do what I need to in order to get pregnant, what business do I have trying to have a kid? Obviously I can’t afford one.

My mind is so muddled right now… must be the cold medicine. Oh, did I mention…


I’m sick.

*sigh* oh, the irony.

I'm stalking.....

In case you wanted to know the latest celebrity gossip, at least as it pertains to Ashton Kutcher, he was in Germany, then Maroco, now Australia where he started filming a movie today called 5 Killers. He just found out, because he saw his body double with waxed chest hair, that he has to wax his chest and he is not all to excited about it.

How do I know this?

It seems I have inadvertently become a stalker, or at least it feels this way.

And it’s all my Husband’s fault.

My Husband signed up for Twitter and sent me an invite. My brother has been on this a while, so I knew of it, but didn’t look into it until I got the invite.
It looked like fun. For those of you that don’t know, you sign up, get your cell phone hooked up to it and all you need to do is send a text message in to tell all your followers what you are up to or what you are thinking. In turn, you can follow other people. When you log onto your page, you see all the updates of the people you are following.

Of course I picked my Husband and a few others I knew had a Twitter page. My super wonderful Husband had found some celebrities/political officials to follow. Thinking this would be fun, I started following a few also.

Including Ashton Kutcher.

At first, I didn’t see any more updates from him than anyone else. This changed on Sunday. He must have thumb cramps from constantly texting!

Yesterday, I took the day off because work has told me I have to use more vacation time and I had a dentist appointment, so I was away from a computer for many hours. When I finally logged on, there was a page and ½ of updates….all but 2 from AK.

Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. I’m just weirded out that I feel like a stalker.

I can stop following anytime, I’ve considered this, but I also find it strangely interesting and it somewhat “normalizes” him.

So, for now, I’ll just live with the stalker label, even if it is just in my own mind.

Showing Love

Thank you for the award Tif! It is an honor to be thought of, especially in such a positive manner.

Now I have to choose only 8 wonderful blogs to pass this award on to..."These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award!"

Well, although I have started following more blogs, I still don’t have enough to fit the criteria, so this will have to do.

1. K
2. Indygal
3. Candi
4. Shot Gun

I am officialy crazy

So, TTC has stolen my sanity. I suspected for a while, but it is official.

I have put my thermometer away and decided to go this cycle with just a "whatever" approach. I do want to finish up the OPKs I have left (not many) and started testing on CD 13. The earliest I have ever O'd is CD 19. CD 13 was a very faint line, OK . Wait 2 days, slightly darker. Wait another 2 days, even darker and loads of EWCM. So I decide I will go ahead and test again today, CD 18.
If you remember, I have to go home during lunch because of my poor puppy's bladder control problems. Because I'll be home at noon anyway, I can pee at 8 and hold it for 4 hours to get an accurate test.

Today........ I forgot to pee at 8. And of course I don't have any OPK's with me.

9:00: "OK. I got this no problem. I just won't have any liquids."

10:00: "Still holding strong, I can ignore these urges."

10:30: "Really, I have to wait another hour-and-a-half!"

11:00: eyeballs are swimming and I'm squirming in my chair.

11:20: "I can't take it anymore." At this point I look down at my desk and notice I only have a dribble of eye drops left. I squirt the rest out, grap a paper cup and head to the bathroom.
Yep, I peed in a cup and sucked up a whole .5oz of pee into an eyedropper container, screwed on the lid, wiped it down and stuck it in my pocket.

As I'm walking back to my desk, I'm thinking, "This is crazy! I have pee in my pocket!"

I still have all the intention in the world to go squirt this on an OPK when I get home in about 10 minutes.

*sigh*

I'm over the edge.

Cops, Dog piss and O

Yesterday sucked!! Alright, to be fair yesterday evening sucked!!!

I got home from work to find my dog, Mason, had craped on the floor. I don’t have a very sensitive gag reflex, especially when it comes to these sorts of things, but I could barely wrap the paper towels around it and get it outside without gagging. Gross! As I’m getting the carpet cleaner out, I notice a wet spot close by. GRRRR! He peed on the floor to. This is really not like him. At least not in the last 2 years, in our old apartment, it used to be a regular occurrence. I yelled at him and set towels down to clean up the mess.
I went about my evening of reading and falling asleep – not planed and I feel so lazy admitting that. K wasn’t home because he had rehearsal until 7:30, but we will get back to that.
After waking up I got my butt moving, checked my email, changed, LET THE DOG OUT, and went to the gym. The gym is only a mile away so I was only gone an hour.
When I got home I found Mason had pulled a package of crackers off the table, ate them and demolished the package all over the floor. Also, not like him at all. Of course, he got in trouble for that too.
I went upstairs to the computer, and he had peed on the floor again!!! Couldn’t hold it for an hour Noooo. I had my hands full and was pissed by this time and went to push my bedroom door open with my foot, I was a bit forceful, slipped and put the toe of my shoe through the door. AAAAAAGGGGG! I’m dead. K is going to kill me. Oh did I mention that our now geto house with a hole in a door and dog piss everywhere is a rental.
So, K finally gets home at 9:00. I immediately fess up to the door and tell him what Mason has done. All he can say is “perfect” and goes upstairs to check on the door. Then he fills me in on his evening.

First you need to know that he injured his back 7 years ago and it was determined he would never get better, recently it has been worse, tightening to the point it hurts him to move and/or walk.
He was leaving rehearsal and got pulled over because the trailer hitch on his truck covers a number on his license plate (I don’t want to say, I told you so, but I pointed this out 2 weeks ago). From K’s account, the cop kept him there forever, he only got a warning. When the cop left, K tried to start the truck and the battery was dead. He walked ¼ of a mile to a school; no one was there so he walked back and pushed the truck until he came to a slope in the road so he could pop the clutch and start the truck. He didn’t call me because his cell phone was dead. So, what does my McGyver do, he lets the truck run and warm up then takes his cell phone battery out and taps it on the positive post of the trucks battery and got enough charge to call and let me know he was on his way and I need to open the garage.
So, from now on, I’m running home for lunch to let the dog out.

Other than that, life is alright. I’m resisting the need, it’s more than an urge; it’s a need, to POAS. Did I mention I actually O’d. Yep, and all on my own. The jury is still out on if it was last Monday or Tuesday. I had promised myself as soon as I realized that I O’d that I wasn’t going to fall for any imaginary symptoms, after all, I had some of these symptoms when I wasn’t Oing at all. Although I know our odds are low for conception, timing being the biggest thing against us, I can’t stop the hope from rising and the daydreaming from starting. I’ve tried.

Strange, I was daydreaming about the exact same thing a year ago today…and last week… and next week….

My positive attitude tested

The morning radio show I listen to is hosted by 2 upbeat ladies that often have fun, impulsive topics that keep me entertained while I’m trying to wake up and start working.

2 weeks ago, one of the ladies, luckily the married one, started freaking out because someone said they thought she was pregnant because she was peeing all the time. She had the producer run out and buy every brand of HPT’s she could find. Eventually the radio host peed on about 5 sticks and yep, right there on the radio it was announced that they were all +. This was a big surprise to her and she started bawling uncontrollably. The shock has since worn off and she is now excited.

I was estimating she was maybe 6-7 weeks given that she was peeing all morning and drinking tons of water before POAS and still got strong +. The pictures were posted on the radio’s web site.

None of this really bothered me. Many people find out in the 5-7 week mark.

I had been listening for 2 weeks for her to say how far along she has discovered herself at.

This morning, she was talking about having her first u/s and her husband’s lack of reaction (he is out of town right now). I came in on the middle of this conversation and thought awwww, the first u/s. She must have seen the little bean and probably a heart beat. Then they said…it’s a Boy.

What!?!

To see the gender, she must be at least 18 weeks. I checked out the u/s picture on the radio’s website and the LO is not as defined as some of our TTC grads that update with their 20 week u/s. I’m guessing 18-19 weeks (they didn’t say while I was listening). This means she was roughly 16 weeks when she found out.

Quick math tells me she is due right around my Anniversary. When I wanted to be due.

Which I would have been if I would have O’d on time and obviously got pregnant.

But this was the point at which my body decided to rebel against any plans I had and stop Oing.

Humph!

I reserve the right to pout for a little while then it will all be fine.

Still on my quest to be positive and look on the bright side of life. It takes practice.

Honesty Award!

Wow. Thank you for the award T! I feel so surprised and honored when I'm thought of. Sorry if some of my 10 honest things resemble yours in anyway, you jarred my thoughts and I kept saying "me too"!

I'm trying, but I can't seem to get the picture of the award to show up.


The rules:
1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.
2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap." Well, there's no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.
3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whew* 10 thing huh? I'll try.

1) I always felt like I had a strong work ethic but now find myself more on blogs, message boards, email and other web sites while at work than I should be.

2) As of last week, I've somehow gotten up to 190 lbs. on my 5'4'' frame. (how's that for honest). down 2 lbs. already. My husband says "it's OK, 20 lbs of that is boobs". HAHA. Thanks Hun. Somehow doesn't make me feel any better.

3) I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

4) I feel like I am supposed to do something grandiosely important with my life. Like single handedly change the world. But, I don't know what my avenue to do this is so, I do nothing which creates great turmoil in me.

5) I carry a great amount of guilt that I cannot give my husband his old life back. He misses his kids tremendously and is depressed/mad that he was pushed out of their lives. I would do anything to give him his family back.

6) I've had 2 best friends since High School, Emily and Olivia. They and my sister were my bridesmaids. I have a hard time coming to terms that they have moved on. From my perspective, I think our friendships are stronger than they do, at least Emily. I'm still hurt that she was married 7 years ago and asked Olivia (and some other ladies) to be bridesmaids, but I wasn't. I thought I had gotten over it.

7) Although I'm sure I have no hope of Oing without help, I'm still using the OPK's. Lord help me. I think it makes me feel like I'm doing something productive.

8) I do my best thinking in the shower or on the pot. Maybe it's something to do with the bathroom.

9) I too am a scrapbooker. I haven't done much in sooo long. I'm currently in the stage of buying more supplies to make me feel like I'm actually doing something. Soon, I'll be staring at layouts in magazines to try to be inspired.

10) I love to sing out loud to Broadway musical numbers. Yes I'm sort of geeky that way.

So for my nominees. I have to cheat a little. I'm so new to this Blogging game that I only have 3 people I follow. Yes, I need to get out there more. One sent me the award and, at the same time, sent the award to another blogger I follow.
So.... Shot Gun, It's just you.
Have fun!!

I got to get Gary turned on

I have been reading quite a bit about how the subconscious can control our everyday behavior, even physically.
Highly interestingly, our Hypothalamus, who I will call Gary, is extremely sensitive to stress. Not only our day-to-day stress like work deadlines, fights with the spouse, traffic, etc., but also deep rooted, ingrained in our system stress such as traumatic events, self-esteem issues, family issues, fears, etc.
According to the book I’m reading, these deep rooted issues are buried in our subconscious. The same book, these unresolved issues can cause Gary to “turn off”. One of the many functions of Gary is to tell the body to release LH and FSH. I have also seen mentions of weight gain when there are problems with Gary’s performance.

Hummm.

My very own conclusions: IF my Gary is not working, my body will not tell release LH and I will not ovulate. Also, it could account for gaining 14 pounds in the last 8 months.

4 months and still no O in sight.

Now to find out what is turning Gary “off” and get him turned back "on".

You can watch time fly

My Grampy used to say "If you want to see time fly, watch a child grow."
So true!

My step daughter (S) turns 18 today.

I have been working on scrapbooks for all 3 kids, documenting their lives. The problem has been, I wasn't there for the beginning. S got the bug to scrapbook her life's highlights so she and I spent all New Years day and last Sunday sorting, scanning, copying, and transferring pictures from both our house and her Mother's. It was very time consuming and emotional.

I hid it well, but it was a hard emotional journey to go through all these old pictures seeing K's life before me. Especially the picture documentary of S's birth. Seeing young, skinny, dark-haired K beaming proud in a hospital gown holding his 10 minute old daughter was hard.

I've seen pictures before, but so many of them, in that context was difficult. Especially since I'm having trouble giving him that experience again.

In another way, it was nice to embed these 18 years worth of pictures into my brain almost like they are memories for me. In my mind, can pretend to have been there from the beginning of their lives.

Now comes the difficult part. We will need to find the perfect balance of teaching and guiding with allowing S to grow, explore and fall on her own. It is hard to know there will be times we will have to stand back and allow her to fall.