Mind Games

I'm sorry I've been gone for a while. I'm trying not to think about anything.

My blood work came back. There's nothing wrong with me. The Dr.’s message was everything is normal and the platelet levels are nothing to worry about.

Platelets! Who the hell was talking about platelets? I thought we were looking at hormone levels.

So I called my Dr.’s office back and got them to fax me my results. My platelets are a tad elevated. 409 and normal range is something-or-other - 400. Big whoop.

What I found strange is my LH was 1.0. The reference ranges that were given were state Males low range is 1.2 – something; and LP levels are 1.2 - something. I HAVE LESS LH THAN A MAN! Isn’t that something? Obviously not.

The good news is my FSH was 3.3. So I’m glad I’m not going into early menopause.

So the consensus is… if there isn’t anything wrong with me physically, I must have an emotional or mental issue. According to the books I am supposed to read (they are actually very interesting) this is not all that uncommon.

Also, the patches of EWCM I keep having are keeping me hopeful enough to keep from calling a new Dr.

CD 54 and counting….



P.S. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!

I'm too FAT

…to get pregnant. She didn’t say that in so many words, but it was the stripped down bottom line conclusion.
I saw my Dr., Dr. H, yesterday and she agreed that I’m not ovulating. She did order blood tests to see if there is any thyroid, pituitary, or ovary problems, but said she highly doubts it. Dr. H said that it is unknown if hormonal imbalances cause weight gain or if weight gain causes hormonal imbalances. But that making sure I’m getting the proper nutrients is a great first step.
When I went in to the office, the first thing they did was the dreaded weighing. Why do Dr.’s scales always show more than the bathroom scales? In the morning I was 6# less than the Dr.’s scale showed. With the Dr. scale my Body Mass Index is 32.8. with my bathroom scale in the morning, in the nude, BMI is 31.9. Over 30 for women on the BMI is considered obese.
Dr. H recommended this book and loaned me this book.
Dr. H is also big into the stop focusing on TTC and you will get pregnant school of thought. How do you concentrate on not concentrating on something? She was promoting the whole mind-body connection thing, so when reserving the 1st book at the library, I found this one and this one and reserved them too. I'll pick them up tonight.
The last one only came out a few months ago. They seemed to fit into the whole conversation that Dr. H and I had. She did also use the term IF which is very scary to hear out loud. She did say if the diet and relaxing don’t kick things into gear that I’ll have to go to a RE or an OB that deals with IF to start on meds.
I’m really hoping now that something comes back on my blood work that can easily be fixed.
In the mean time, no sweets (communist at Christmas time), a fruit and veg. at every meal, reading…..

…..and relaxing….

…..hard to do when I burst into tears at any given moment.

10 years gone by

I have been reflecting a lot this past year on what was happening 10 years ago. 1998 was a big year for me. I still lived at home but was working full time, paying my own way through college and performing with a World Class Independent (the top of the pecking order) WGI affiliated winterguard. I was never to know at the beginning of the year what a turning point the year would be in my life.
* January: I obviously didn’t know it at the time, but my youngest future step-son was born.
* March 9: my well loved, adored, favorite Uncle died of cancer.
* April 4: I performed my last competitive winterguard show. The rules don’t (at least they didn’t in 1998) allow you to compete past a certain age, termed “aging-out” once you retire you are an “age-out”. We were retired at the ripe old age of 22.
* Summer: I received a phone call from my mentor, instructor and WGI hall-of-famer, Stanley, who asked me if I’d be interested in teaching a high school colorguard during the fall. He would choreograph during band camp and I would be there for all the rehearsals and competitions to run the group. I was ecstatic that he would pick ME and that I would have this alone time with the great Stanely! Of course I took the job.
* August 13-16: I went to Disney World (Best place ever) with a friend to watch DCI (Drum Corps International) Finals, and to “run-into” a friend that I decided I wanted attention from. In the fledgling days of the internet, before Expedia and Travelocity, I put this whole trip together for the 2 of us. Hotel, flight, car rental, event tickets, Disney passes and SeaWorld tickets for just over $500. I’m still pretty proud of myself.
* August 24: Band Camp started for the high school group I was referred to. I was introduced to the rest of the staff, which consisted of a percussion instructor, my future husband.
* Mid November: I realized I was wishing to have more and more attention from this percussion instructor (K) and started, uncharacteristically and shamelessly, flirting. It paid off.
* November 25: I received a call at work from K asking me out to dinner. Funny story – my Mom and I worked at the same place and she was covering the phones that day. She transferred the call to me and whispered across the isle to me “It’s a BOY on the phone!!”
* November 28: Our/My first date. We’ve been inseparable ever since.
* November 30: First work day after our date. He sent me flowers! I have never been so red in my life!
* December 23: We exchanged gifts. I got him this, you know a cymbal, like on a drum set. I didn’t know at the time, how perfect for him it was. He said later that at that moment he realized how much I already knew him and his ex never would have thought of it. He knew then he would marry me. We/I had our/my first kiss. (Yes I was a late bloomer.) He was a gentleman and waited a whole month of dating before kissing me or holding my hand. He later confessed he still felt guilty because he had been married for so long.

Cabin feaver remedy

I got out of the house last night. It was great!

We are currently down to 1 vehicle, my husband's truck is crapping out on us. He has been driving me to work, picking me up from work and dropping me off at home while he leaves for various rehearsals and meetings.

One of his friends, a world renowned marimbaist and Yamaha featured artist, Naoko Takada, is in town on tour. On Tuesday he and another friend went and hung out with Naoko and last night we went to her concert. She was amazing. I've heard husband talk about her and her playing before, but I had never gotten to meet her being as she is always touring and lives in LA.

Here is a YouTube video if you wish to see what I'm talking about. The picture is poor at first, but it gets better.

Oh, and I got to go to dinner too. Will wonders ever cease?

The hardest job I've ever had part 1

My most important role in life so far has been Step-mom. I am one of the lucky ones who has a deep, adoring love and complex relationships with each of my 3 step-children. By the time my Husband and I were engaged (we had a 14 month engagement) the kids were 8, 4, and 1. Our relationships formed easy, early, and deeply. We choose each other. Although I would NEVER change this aspect at all, in a way, that has made it a heart breaking life for all of us.


I've heard it many times......"Oh, you had your kids the easy way." or "You are so lucky to be able to have the time alone and not have the kids everyday."

I'm very good at not showing on the outside how much I want to punch these people square in the nose - and I'm the least violent person ever.

There is nothing "easy" about just getting to be a family for 48 hours and then having to send your kids away. It never gets easier, I've been doing this for quite a while.

I used to cry like a baby and feel an increasing heartbreak every-other Sunday evening. Now I'm just numb to it.

I remember about 9 years ago, carrying my 4 year-old (then soon to be) step-son out to the car. With his head buried into my shoulder and arms wrapped around my neck he said "I wish you were my Mom and my Mom was my step-mom. I melted into a puddle right there in the parking lot.

If there were a highlight reel for kids trying to avoid going back to their Mother's house they would include: wrestling a coat on a screaming, full fledged tantrum throwing 3 year-old and forcing him into a car to leave; the old hide-the-shoes trick (this has been attempted by each of them at one point or another). Our oldest, at about 10 or 11 locking herself in the bathroom and refusing to leave.

We've had court case after court case. One year, we (I was the only one home to sign for it) were served court papers 2 days before Christmas. There was a court date 8 days and another 3 days before our wedding. Any honeymoon plans were cancelled because we didn't know if there would be any follow up cases scheduled for our honeymoon time-frame.

Through out time, I have become convinced that The EX is not happy unless she is making us miserable. I may have examples in stories at a later time, but there is only so much time in a day and the details of most examples have faded with time.

The entire time of my engagement and my marriage all I have ever wanted is a mature, adult relationship between my Husband (K) & myself and The EX (for blogging purposes this will be her name because it is nicer than anything else that comes to mind). This has proven to be impossible. The last thing in the world I have ever wanted was to come across as the stereotypical 2ND wife being all jealous (sometimes unavoidable) and pushy, and *itchy. But the easy-going, everyone gets along life I had in mind is not what happened.

Sometimes there are glimmers of this utopia.

The same, but different

Anybody that is TTC will tell you, there are times of ups and downs. You feel hopelessness, depression and worry of time flying by, then that is all usually counter-balanced with times of hope and excitement that this time may be IT.
I am very used to dealing with the low moments of this roller coaster. I've been feeling them since before TTC. I would get mad and depressed because the baby fever was so high, but never got the hope and excitement upswing because there was no chance. Life was not allowing this chance. I felt time was flying by and I would never see my dream of being a Mom come true.

I still feel this despair sometimes, but not nearly as strong, because I feel there is a chance now.

I just came across this letter I wrote last year, then hid away, during a depression/baby fever time. It really did help me feel better at the time.
I still tear up when I read it

June 8, 2007

I don’t know you, but I love you.
I love everything you are and everything you will be. I can’t stop thinking about you, and wondering about you. What color will your hair and eyes be? I’m very sure your eyes will be blue, but your Great-Grandmother had brown eyes, so…maybe. I love your tiny toes, your tiny fingers, and your tiny ears… and they are not even formed yet.
I can picture you in heaven with the angels all around you, getting you ready for your life here.... getting you ready for us. I know you have been picked for us. I have no idea when you will be here, but I can’t wait to meet you, see your smile, hear what your voice sounds like, hold you, and kiss you. I don’t know when that will happen, but I pray I can be worthy of the honor of being your MOM.

It's MADNESS!!

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO glad it is Election Day and we don’t have to hear/see the stupid political ads after today! Our local election ads are out of control. For the past 3 weeks, every commercial break, radio or TV, is packed with political ads. I wouldn’t have a problem so much if each candidate would just stick to what they believe, what they will fix and what they will keep the same. But no, we have to hear about how bad the other person is. She lied, he can't do the job, she over spends, he doesn't like me, she doesn't play fair, neither does he, she is suing him, he exercises his 5th amendment rights, he is a war hero, he is wet behind the ears, he pulled my hair, she hates puppies, he hit me, she bites, she called me a bad name, he said a bad word, etc.... etc..... etc.. Have we not heard enough of this crap yet?

I am not sure about you, but for me, I have a hard time choosing sides when both sides act like 3rd graders who can't get along when playing on the playground. How childish can they be? Why is it so hard to stick to a topic and talk about yourself instead of the other person? I can’t wait to not be bombarded with all this bickering.