Showing Love

Thank you for the award Tif! It is an honor to be thought of, especially in such a positive manner.

Now I have to choose only 8 wonderful blogs to pass this award on to..."These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award!"

Well, although I have started following more blogs, I still don’t have enough to fit the criteria, so this will have to do.

1. K
2. Indygal
3. Candi
4. Shot Gun

I am officialy crazy

So, TTC has stolen my sanity. I suspected for a while, but it is official.

I have put my thermometer away and decided to go this cycle with just a "whatever" approach. I do want to finish up the OPKs I have left (not many) and started testing on CD 13. The earliest I have ever O'd is CD 19. CD 13 was a very faint line, OK . Wait 2 days, slightly darker. Wait another 2 days, even darker and loads of EWCM. So I decide I will go ahead and test again today, CD 18.
If you remember, I have to go home during lunch because of my poor puppy's bladder control problems. Because I'll be home at noon anyway, I can pee at 8 and hold it for 4 hours to get an accurate test.

Today........ I forgot to pee at 8. And of course I don't have any OPK's with me.

9:00: "OK. I got this no problem. I just won't have any liquids."

10:00: "Still holding strong, I can ignore these urges."

10:30: "Really, I have to wait another hour-and-a-half!"

11:00: eyeballs are swimming and I'm squirming in my chair.

11:20: "I can't take it anymore." At this point I look down at my desk and notice I only have a dribble of eye drops left. I squirt the rest out, grap a paper cup and head to the bathroom.
Yep, I peed in a cup and sucked up a whole .5oz of pee into an eyedropper container, screwed on the lid, wiped it down and stuck it in my pocket.

As I'm walking back to my desk, I'm thinking, "This is crazy! I have pee in my pocket!"

I still have all the intention in the world to go squirt this on an OPK when I get home in about 10 minutes.

*sigh*

I'm over the edge.

Cops, Dog piss and O

Yesterday sucked!! Alright, to be fair yesterday evening sucked!!!

I got home from work to find my dog, Mason, had craped on the floor. I don’t have a very sensitive gag reflex, especially when it comes to these sorts of things, but I could barely wrap the paper towels around it and get it outside without gagging. Gross! As I’m getting the carpet cleaner out, I notice a wet spot close by. GRRRR! He peed on the floor to. This is really not like him. At least not in the last 2 years, in our old apartment, it used to be a regular occurrence. I yelled at him and set towels down to clean up the mess.
I went about my evening of reading and falling asleep – not planed and I feel so lazy admitting that. K wasn’t home because he had rehearsal until 7:30, but we will get back to that.
After waking up I got my butt moving, checked my email, changed, LET THE DOG OUT, and went to the gym. The gym is only a mile away so I was only gone an hour.
When I got home I found Mason had pulled a package of crackers off the table, ate them and demolished the package all over the floor. Also, not like him at all. Of course, he got in trouble for that too.
I went upstairs to the computer, and he had peed on the floor again!!! Couldn’t hold it for an hour Noooo. I had my hands full and was pissed by this time and went to push my bedroom door open with my foot, I was a bit forceful, slipped and put the toe of my shoe through the door. AAAAAAGGGGG! I’m dead. K is going to kill me. Oh did I mention that our now geto house with a hole in a door and dog piss everywhere is a rental.
So, K finally gets home at 9:00. I immediately fess up to the door and tell him what Mason has done. All he can say is “perfect” and goes upstairs to check on the door. Then he fills me in on his evening.

First you need to know that he injured his back 7 years ago and it was determined he would never get better, recently it has been worse, tightening to the point it hurts him to move and/or walk.
He was leaving rehearsal and got pulled over because the trailer hitch on his truck covers a number on his license plate (I don’t want to say, I told you so, but I pointed this out 2 weeks ago). From K’s account, the cop kept him there forever, he only got a warning. When the cop left, K tried to start the truck and the battery was dead. He walked ¼ of a mile to a school; no one was there so he walked back and pushed the truck until he came to a slope in the road so he could pop the clutch and start the truck. He didn’t call me because his cell phone was dead. So, what does my McGyver do, he lets the truck run and warm up then takes his cell phone battery out and taps it on the positive post of the trucks battery and got enough charge to call and let me know he was on his way and I need to open the garage.
So, from now on, I’m running home for lunch to let the dog out.

Other than that, life is alright. I’m resisting the need, it’s more than an urge; it’s a need, to POAS. Did I mention I actually O’d. Yep, and all on my own. The jury is still out on if it was last Monday or Tuesday. I had promised myself as soon as I realized that I O’d that I wasn’t going to fall for any imaginary symptoms, after all, I had some of these symptoms when I wasn’t Oing at all. Although I know our odds are low for conception, timing being the biggest thing against us, I can’t stop the hope from rising and the daydreaming from starting. I’ve tried.

Strange, I was daydreaming about the exact same thing a year ago today…and last week… and next week….

My positive attitude tested

The morning radio show I listen to is hosted by 2 upbeat ladies that often have fun, impulsive topics that keep me entertained while I’m trying to wake up and start working.

2 weeks ago, one of the ladies, luckily the married one, started freaking out because someone said they thought she was pregnant because she was peeing all the time. She had the producer run out and buy every brand of HPT’s she could find. Eventually the radio host peed on about 5 sticks and yep, right there on the radio it was announced that they were all +. This was a big surprise to her and she started bawling uncontrollably. The shock has since worn off and she is now excited.

I was estimating she was maybe 6-7 weeks given that she was peeing all morning and drinking tons of water before POAS and still got strong +. The pictures were posted on the radio’s web site.

None of this really bothered me. Many people find out in the 5-7 week mark.

I had been listening for 2 weeks for her to say how far along she has discovered herself at.

This morning, she was talking about having her first u/s and her husband’s lack of reaction (he is out of town right now). I came in on the middle of this conversation and thought awwww, the first u/s. She must have seen the little bean and probably a heart beat. Then they said…it’s a Boy.

What!?!

To see the gender, she must be at least 18 weeks. I checked out the u/s picture on the radio’s website and the LO is not as defined as some of our TTC grads that update with their 20 week u/s. I’m guessing 18-19 weeks (they didn’t say while I was listening). This means she was roughly 16 weeks when she found out.

Quick math tells me she is due right around my Anniversary. When I wanted to be due.

Which I would have been if I would have O’d on time and obviously got pregnant.

But this was the point at which my body decided to rebel against any plans I had and stop Oing.

Humph!

I reserve the right to pout for a little while then it will all be fine.

Still on my quest to be positive and look on the bright side of life. It takes practice.

Honesty Award!

Wow. Thank you for the award T! I feel so surprised and honored when I'm thought of. Sorry if some of my 10 honest things resemble yours in anyway, you jarred my thoughts and I kept saying "me too"!

I'm trying, but I can't seem to get the picture of the award to show up.


The rules:
1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.
2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap." Well, there's no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.
3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whew* 10 thing huh? I'll try.

1) I always felt like I had a strong work ethic but now find myself more on blogs, message boards, email and other web sites while at work than I should be.

2) As of last week, I've somehow gotten up to 190 lbs. on my 5'4'' frame. (how's that for honest). down 2 lbs. already. My husband says "it's OK, 20 lbs of that is boobs". HAHA. Thanks Hun. Somehow doesn't make me feel any better.

3) I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

4) I feel like I am supposed to do something grandiosely important with my life. Like single handedly change the world. But, I don't know what my avenue to do this is so, I do nothing which creates great turmoil in me.

5) I carry a great amount of guilt that I cannot give my husband his old life back. He misses his kids tremendously and is depressed/mad that he was pushed out of their lives. I would do anything to give him his family back.

6) I've had 2 best friends since High School, Emily and Olivia. They and my sister were my bridesmaids. I have a hard time coming to terms that they have moved on. From my perspective, I think our friendships are stronger than they do, at least Emily. I'm still hurt that she was married 7 years ago and asked Olivia (and some other ladies) to be bridesmaids, but I wasn't. I thought I had gotten over it.

7) Although I'm sure I have no hope of Oing without help, I'm still using the OPK's. Lord help me. I think it makes me feel like I'm doing something productive.

8) I do my best thinking in the shower or on the pot. Maybe it's something to do with the bathroom.

9) I too am a scrapbooker. I haven't done much in sooo long. I'm currently in the stage of buying more supplies to make me feel like I'm actually doing something. Soon, I'll be staring at layouts in magazines to try to be inspired.

10) I love to sing out loud to Broadway musical numbers. Yes I'm sort of geeky that way.

So for my nominees. I have to cheat a little. I'm so new to this Blogging game that I only have 3 people I follow. Yes, I need to get out there more. One sent me the award and, at the same time, sent the award to another blogger I follow.
So.... Shot Gun, It's just you.
Have fun!!

I got to get Gary turned on

I have been reading quite a bit about how the subconscious can control our everyday behavior, even physically.
Highly interestingly, our Hypothalamus, who I will call Gary, is extremely sensitive to stress. Not only our day-to-day stress like work deadlines, fights with the spouse, traffic, etc., but also deep rooted, ingrained in our system stress such as traumatic events, self-esteem issues, family issues, fears, etc.
According to the book I’m reading, these deep rooted issues are buried in our subconscious. The same book, these unresolved issues can cause Gary to “turn off”. One of the many functions of Gary is to tell the body to release LH and FSH. I have also seen mentions of weight gain when there are problems with Gary’s performance.

Hummm.

My very own conclusions: IF my Gary is not working, my body will not tell release LH and I will not ovulate. Also, it could account for gaining 14 pounds in the last 8 months.

4 months and still no O in sight.

Now to find out what is turning Gary “off” and get him turned back "on".

You can watch time fly

My Grampy used to say "If you want to see time fly, watch a child grow."
So true!

My step daughter (S) turns 18 today.

I have been working on scrapbooks for all 3 kids, documenting their lives. The problem has been, I wasn't there for the beginning. S got the bug to scrapbook her life's highlights so she and I spent all New Years day and last Sunday sorting, scanning, copying, and transferring pictures from both our house and her Mother's. It was very time consuming and emotional.

I hid it well, but it was a hard emotional journey to go through all these old pictures seeing K's life before me. Especially the picture documentary of S's birth. Seeing young, skinny, dark-haired K beaming proud in a hospital gown holding his 10 minute old daughter was hard.

I've seen pictures before, but so many of them, in that context was difficult. Especially since I'm having trouble giving him that experience again.

In another way, it was nice to embed these 18 years worth of pictures into my brain almost like they are memories for me. In my mind, can pretend to have been there from the beginning of their lives.

Now comes the difficult part. We will need to find the perfect balance of teaching and guiding with allowing S to grow, explore and fall on her own. It is hard to know there will be times we will have to stand back and allow her to fall.